Mighty Thin Stew

"That's an awful lot of stew from one small oyster!"

The WAIT. I try not to think about it as much as possible. But it's kind of like that annoying mosquito that won't go away, and you can never quite manage to swat it. It just buzzes and whines around your ear and darts past your eye. This time of year when not hauling grain or checking on cows or working at my second job, I'm often working in the office, trying to get my taxes ready to file, and getting my farm budgets organized. But, this year, I suddenly find myself checking the discussion boards for the latest rumor. I am mostly amused at the speculations and theories, but it's a kind of morbid curiosity. A bit like watching a slow motion train wreck! I keep remembering the phrase "that's an awful lot of stew from one oyster". We're all guilty of it, seizing on any theory to try to forecast our referral time, adding endless speculations on dividing or combining months or weeks of log in dates. It's about as meaningful as trying to pick lottery numbers by watching raindrops on a puddle.

I do it myself, "Well, if it's 9 months, then that would probably be September or October referral, then we'd be traveling etc. etc. etc." and so on ad infinitum. I suspect a bit of madness lies in wait along that road. After nearly 10 years of marriage and many disappointments in trying for a baby the old (and new) fashioned ways, the near-certainty of this approach is comforting compared to the odds we faced medically.

At about LID+25 days, referral time is far enough away to be more of a concept than a reality so that helps a bit, but after 10 years of waiting I am both impatient to get Miaya home, and also not that concerned about a couple extra months (right now anyway). And, I'm more than a bit scared about dealing with the reality of Miaya, as she will be our first and likely our only child. Time really does fly by if you ignore it well enough; last week I tried to put April 2005 on a check I was writing.

Last night we were at a high school basketball game watching our nephews play, (on the same team luckily), when Kim said "Look, they've got a Miaya", one of the cheerleaders from the other school appeared to be of Chinese descent. We both spent a lot of time wondering when Miaya would be that age and would she be playing ball or leading cheers? Or, have other interests altogether. Whatever she chooses is fine with me, as long as it's something she enjoys. Kim and I both get a funny feeling whenever we say my/our daughter. Something we've waited long enough to say that it sounds a bit surreal.

I'm always afraid of sounding like an old coot when I say it, but my family didn't have a lot when I was young. Oh, there were a lot of families with far less that we had, but money was often tight, and I remember learning that things that come easy are often not appreciated. The toy we thought we just had to have didn't seem so important a few days or weeks later when we saw it again in the store. I don't always manage to abide by that, but I do now appreciate that something you have to work hard for is held dearer. Perhaps that's why we've had to wait so long, and follow such a winding road to "Finding Miaya", we were just not ready to truly appreciate the gift she will be.

Once upon a time.....

Once upon a time there was a lonely farmer in Illinois, and a lonely schoolteacher in Iowa. By coincidence, they decided to take a chance on finding a partner to share their lives, and in turn found each other.

It was fairly simple, compose a listing in 25 words or less, include a check for $12, and mail it by February 14, 1995 ( clever closing date!) then sit back and wait for the book to arrive.

I guess you could say I picked Kim out of a catalog! (She always punches me when I say that) Actually it was the "Rural Singles Directory" published by Farm Journal magazine in 1995. Ten years before, they had published a similar directory and were still getting requests for it, so they decided to do it again. Afterwards, the editor said "Never again!".

When it arrived in late May that year, over 3000 lonely rural men and women had taken a chance and put themselves out there. Looking at the dividing line between men and women, the ladies were outnumbered about 4 to 1, so it was time to get busy. Kim's listing was intriguing, and I wrote her a letter, she wrote back and after we exchanged a few letters, I called her and we talked for four hours. A week or so later we talked on the phone for 6 hours and 24 minutes (we still have the bill to prove it!). More time on the phone and it was time to meet. Using a business trip to Des Moines as an excuse (my family knew nothing about her), I met Kim at her home in Osceola, Iowa, spent a couple of days with her, and knew she was very special.

I visited her again in mid-September, then in October she flew to Illinois for the weekend. I made arrangements for her to stay with my brother and his wife. The puddle-jumper flight was delayed by a thunderstorm, and it was after midnight when we arrived at their house. After some conversation and introductions, I showed her up to the spare room where there was a rose on her pillow with a ring on the stem. Luckily as it was after midnight it was actually October 14 when we were engaged. Did I mention her flight out was on Friday the 13th?

We sent a note to the editor of the Farm Journal thanking them for the opportunity they gave us, and to let them know they had at least one success story. They asked us to each write about our experience, and they used parts of our letters in an article. This led to the slightly bizarre and surreal experience of my coming home one evening to find a message on the recorder from a producer at Good Morning America wanting to talk with us about our story, and possibly to be on the show!!!!! Unfortunately, they decided to use another couple who met the same way and were getting married sooner, but then a big news event knocked the whole thing out of the lineup. We were interiewed over the phone by a reporter from the Philadelphia Inquirer for a feature article. This story went out on the news wire and we received several clippings from around the country.

We'll soon have been married 10 years, sometimes it seems forever, and others it seems like yesterday.

Is it really January?

We have to remind ourselves that it's really January here in SW Iowa. We have had temperatures in the 50's (fahrenheit) this week, not really the kind of weather we usually get! It should be about 35 degrees colder that this. Michael has been working for UAP all week hauling fertilizer to the spreaders, and a few miles south of here, farmers have been busy in the fields applying nitrogen fertilizer and some tillage has been done. Shirtsleeve weather in January is pretty unheard of. Recently the the temperature was exactly 100 degrees warmer than the all time Iowa low of -49 F set many years ago on the same date.

The Red Thread

"An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but will never break." --An ancient Chinese belief.

The Red Thread is a theme in many China Adoption stories, following the idea that the new parents have been connected to the child they will receive and that it was only a matter of time til they met.

We kind of like the idea that we have been connected to Miaya with the red thread. We've always felt as if she was out there somewhere, but we didn't know where, certainly not that she was in China.

As we wait for the review and referral process to run it's course, we read a lot of other people's postings and journals to see how they are coping with the wait. From the begining of the adoption journey, we've felt that our daughter is waiting for us in China, and this process is just to pave the way for us to be together. Some have expressed the opinion that as the referral time lengthens, they will be getting a "different" child than the one they "should" have gotten had the referral time stayed he same. This is where we feel the connection of the Red Thread. Miaya is there waiting for us, she doesn't have a specific face, or a certain chinese name, and she may have not been born yet, but she is still there waiting for us and when the time is right we'll be united.

Well, It finally happened

It finally happened. We decided to use a shopping card we got for Christmas to get the mattress for Miaya's crib. While in line to check out, a lady behind us asked "Are you new grandparents?" We knew it would happen, but hoped it would be a little later. Really, we understand, and actually thought it was rather amusing. In fact, we are thinking about getting hats or buttons or t-shirts to remove the doubt without any embarrassment on anyone's part. We gently explained that no, we were actually adopting from China. She thought that was very neat thing to do. (So do we!)

We've joked about the advantages of being older parents, in a few years we can save money at the movies, "that'll be one senior, one regular and one child's ticket please". And there's always the early bird supper specials! So I guess there's a bright side to the age thing!

Our Surrogate Child

We'd like you to meet Nike, our surrogate child. Actually he is cat #2 in our house, and has been quite perplexing to Diva, our older cat.
Nike was born in my workshop, and was very friendly, and liked to be petted and held. His mother took him and his siblings out to learn to hunt and be big cats, and we feared they might be gone for good. One cold evening a couple of days later, we had come home from town and heard him crying out in the yard while we were unloading the car. We tracked him down, and was he was glad to see us, he purred and snuggled in. He had three things going for him that evening, it was cold and dark, he was so darn cute, and we were in the mood for something small to take care of. So, he got to live in the garage for a while until he proved himself to be housetrained. That was a couple of months ago, he's quite a bit bigger than the was in the picture, and can be rather ornery at times.
Diva has had to learn how to play with another cat again, and she is more active now. He's quite enertaining to have around, and has been a good lesson for us in curbing bad behaviour, although I don't think you're supposed to discipline children with a squirt bottle!

It's Kind Of Like Being Pregnant......Well, Sort Of........

I guess that's about the best analogy to apply here, the last of our documents arrived at Great Wall's offices in Austin, Texas this morning. Tomorrow, December 23, our dossier will be winging it's way to Beijing to the offices of the Chinese Center of Adoption Affairs.

Upon arrival it will eventually be logged in, and the official "pregnancy" will begin. In a few months, it'll work it's way to the top of the pile and be translated into Chinese, then reviewed to see if all the documentation is correct and in order. Once it passes that step, it will move to the matching room where a group of dedicated people will match us with the daughter who has been waiting for us. Eventually we'll get a referral letter, kind of like a birth announcement with a picture and basic information about Miaya.

We knew this day was coming, especially since Michael had overnighted those papers yesterday, but it's still a thrill to get the official notification from our dossier caseworker. She's been wonderful, always answering our questions quickly and helping in many ways.

Once we get the referral letter and accept the referral, the next wait will begin, waiting for travel approval. Then we'll be waiting for the US Consulate appointment and the travel arrangements to come together. Then waiting for the departure date, then waiting on line for boarding passes, and customs, for the plane to get off the ground, so on ad infinitum. See, I told you the adoption process was mainly about waiting!! But on Gotcha Day the wait will be excruciating but the best! Finally being able to hold her in our arms and know she is truly and finally real.

Things you think about while waiting................

The whole adoption process is about waiting --- as if the childless period of our life hasn't already lasted long enough! With the longest part of our wait about to begin, it becomes a constant round of endless speculation as to what is happening. Is a woman in China pregnant with Miaya at this moment? Has she already been born, or been left to be found somewhere? Will bird flu delay the process? Will some politician say something stupid and foul everything up? Will our dossier get lost? These and a host of other questions come to mind every day.

Its not all that different from the thoughts and feelings experienced in the infertility process, although the odds of a successful outcome are much higher here. Always wondering if there was anything that could have been done differently to have sped up the process, or to have ensured a more favorable result. Infertility is the last thing most couples ever think about, in fact the opposite is usually the case, fear of a "surprise" pregnancy! Life seems so unfair, we've tried nearly everything in the book to no avail, yet another couple has a momentary lapse of discretion and a baby is on the way.

Parts of the adoption process cause you to reflect on many things, especially in the home study process. Even though the social worker is on your side, you still worry. The home visit is especially tough, is the house at the right level of cleanliness? Too clean might mean you'll have trouble dealing with the inherent disorder that goes with kids, but did we miss some dirt that will make us look like slobs? Does the house smell funny, what does a good parent smell like anyway? Worries and concerns keep piling up.

Now that our paper chase is nearing the end, and the Long Wait soon begins, we'll find things to keep our minds off it as much as possible. We have a pile of supplies for making over Miaya's room, a crib to put together, and I am sure we'll "practice pack" a few dozen times to decide what we really need to take. And, we both need to get ready to lug a baby around.

It's really just beginning to get interesting, and to become very real!

Getting Closer

We got word from our agency that the last of our documents are off getting certified and authenticated, and they anticipate that our dossier should be heading off to China before Christmas.

As the time to referral seem to be getting longer, it's possible we could be heading for China next Christmas. What a Christmas present! But, whenever it happens, it'll be great.

The Waiting Game -- A Longer Wait?

The story is making the rounds of the various China Adoption discussion groups that the waiting time for a referral is getting longer. Recently, the wait was as short as 6 to 7 months, now some are saying it could soon be as long as 10 months to get a referral, back to what it was a couple of years ago.

There's a lot of speculation, but little hard information as to the possible reason for this. One idea that comes to mind is that the interest in adopting from China is still growing, and that the increased workload is slowing things down. Or, they may be spending more time on each case, making sure that all the paperwork is correct so that no last minute surprises happen. What ever the reason may be, the results will still be worth the wait.
And, maybe if we have to wait a few months later it might have it's benefits, we'll have some more time to finish Miaya's room the way we'd really like to have it.

We've sent off that last piece of paperwork that needs to be certified and authenticated, and now just a couple of minor details remain. THE PAPER CHASE IS ALMOST OVER!

I-171H means One Step Closer

We passed one more hurdle, last week we got our I171H in the mail from the Citizenship and Immigration Service! This is a "Notification of Favorable Determination" concerning our I600A which is the application for pre-approval to bring a foreign born orphan into the United States. In short, the US government thinks we're fit to be parents. Advance approval speeds up the process when we file the actual orphan petition at the American consulate in China.

This is the last big hurdle in the US, soon our Dossier will be ready to send to China where the officials there will examine it and eventually match us up with our daughter. Shortly we'll be starting the "Big Wait" for the referral to come through. We're hoping to see our dossier go to China in mid-December, the time to referral seems to be running around seven months or so. The referral comes when we are matched up with a baby, it will be a picture and information about the child -- name, age, weight, medical information, location and so forth. After accepting the referral, travel approval usually comes 2 to 6 weeks later, and allow another 4 to 8 weeks to make all the arrangements to travel.

What a trip, not just to China, but the whole process. Making the decision to leave the infertility route, agreeing that we still wanted a family, then deciding on adoption. We considered many options, domestic adoptions often involve long waits and our ages were a negative factor with many agencies. International adoption looked promising, some research revealed unsettling things, many eastern european countries have problems with fetal acohol syndrome and other health and adjustment issues, not to mention rampant corruption. In the end China was a very attractrive option, the process is straightforward and corruption is nonexistent. We have both known of others who have adopted from China and found the experience was as promised. The more we looked, the more we liked what we saw, and the decision to apply to China was an easy one.

So many little things -- so little time

We made another commitment, we've started buying things for the baby's room, (wow!) that sure seems strange to say! After nearly ten years of marriage and almost that long hoping in vain for something to happen, it's getting closer. We've been assured by everyone so far that we will be getting a baby. So we better start planning even though it's many months away.
We've picked up a few things, and some paint and so on, and oh yes, a nice crib we found on sale, one that will convert to larger beds as she grows.

There's nothing we've done that has made us feel so inadequate and lost as looking at baby things. How can someone so small need so many things, and so many of them large and expensive! We started looking around in stores -- what will we need? What is worthwhile and what is just a gimmick? We shared a lot of blank looks and baffled expressions and helpless shrugs on our first outing. We're starting to get some good ideas and asking questions and learning. But still a daunting experience, especially for us "older" first time parents. Probably the actual trip to China will be less scary than starting to shop for baby items.

We'll figure it out eventually.

Finding Miaya - A Chinese Adoption Journey

Hello from Snowy Southwest Iowa! We've just had our first real snowfall of the winter, and hopefully it's not an indicator of things to come. Near blizzard conditions in mid-November are unusual and a radical change from the 70 degree temps we had last week.

Well, so far it's been an interesting experience! We are now at 3 1/2 months in our journey to find and adopt our daughter from China. We've had a couple of snags, but so far they've been fairly easy to overcome.

Even before we applied to an adoption agency, we began collecting documents we knew we would need such as birth and marriage certificates and the like. At that point we discovered that after almost ten years of marriage, we were not officially married! The minister did not file the certificate following the ceremony. We also learned this has happened to several other couples as well, the same person has filed documents late or not at all. We were able to get a new certificate, and have it witnessed and filed; we now have a "delayed" certificate of marriage issued by the state of Iowa.

We've collected nearly all the documents we need and they are off getting all the official stamps and seals from the various state offices and the Chinese consulates. Most recently we were fingerprinted at the Immigration office in Des Moines, and are awaiting their decision on our foreign orphan petition.

Our adoption journey got rolling after struggling with infertility treatments and hoping for a miracle for nearly our entire marriage. We had reached the point where a decision had to be made, and we opted for adoption. It had been on our minds as an alternative for several years, and after some research and soul searching, we decided on China. The adoption experiences of others with China convinced us we had made the right decision and we began to evaluate agencies. We selected Great Wall China Adoption and sent off an application and the first wait began. WE GOT ACCEPTED! What great news, we applied for a girl infant, and now only a stack of paperwork and the dreaded waiting time stood between us and our daughter.

We had read many adoption journals on the web and were not too sure about those who picked a name before even applying. After we finished the home study and the social worker told us it was ok to start accumulating baby things, the name thing kept coming up and after a lot of ideas bounced around, we decided on Miaya. At least we've got the first name, we're still working on the rest.

So, we're well on our way to "Finding Miaya".