Saturday, February 04, 2006

Mighty Thin Stew

"That's an awful lot of stew from one small oyster!"

The WAIT. I try not to think about it as much as possible. But it's kind of like that annoying mosquito that won't go away, and you can never quite manage to swat it. It just buzzes and whines around your ear and darts past your eye. This time of year when not hauling grain or checking on cows or working at my second job, I'm often working in the office, trying to get my taxes ready to file, and getting my farm budgets organized. But, this year, I suddenly find myself checking the discussion boards for the latest rumor. I am mostly amused at the speculations and theories, but it's a kind of morbid curiosity. A bit like watching a slow motion train wreck! I keep remembering the phrase "that's an awful lot of stew from one oyster". We're all guilty of it, seizing on any theory to try to forecast our referral time, adding endless speculations on dividing or combining months or weeks of log in dates. It's about as meaningful as trying to pick lottery numbers by watching raindrops on a puddle.

I do it myself, "Well, if it's 9 months, then that would probably be September or October referral, then we'd be traveling etc. etc. etc." and so on ad infinitum. I suspect a bit of madness lies in wait along that road. After nearly 10 years of marriage and many disappointments in trying for a baby the old (and new) fashioned ways, the near-certainty of this approach is comforting compared to the odds we faced medically.

At about LID+25 days, referral time is far enough away to be more of a concept than a reality so that helps a bit, but after 10 years of waiting I am both impatient to get Miaya home, and also not that concerned about a couple extra months (right now anyway). And, I'm more than a bit scared about dealing with the reality of Miaya, as she will be our first and likely our only child. Time really does fly by if you ignore it well enough; last week I tried to put April 2005 on a check I was writing.

Last night we were at a high school basketball game watching our nephews play, (on the same team luckily), when Kim said "Look, they've got a Miaya", one of the cheerleaders from the other school appeared to be of Chinese descent. We both spent a lot of time wondering when Miaya would be that age and would she be playing ball or leading cheers? Or, have other interests altogether. Whatever she chooses is fine with me, as long as it's something she enjoys. Kim and I both get a funny feeling whenever we say my/our daughter. Something we've waited long enough to say that it sounds a bit surreal.

I'm always afraid of sounding like an old coot when I say it, but my family didn't have a lot when I was young. Oh, there were a lot of families with far less that we had, but money was often tight, and I remember learning that things that come easy are often not appreciated. The toy we thought we just had to have didn't seem so important a few days or weeks later when we saw it again in the store. I don't always manage to abide by that, but I do now appreciate that something you have to work hard for is held dearer. Perhaps that's why we've had to wait so long, and follow such a winding road to "Finding Miaya", we were just not ready to truly appreciate the gift she will be.