Unhappy Anniversary

Today marks the one year anniversary of our adoption application documents being registered with the China Center of Adoption Affairs office in Beijing. It is a most discouraging anniversary, and we are not excited or celebrating with abandon. When our dossier went to China, we were sure we would have Miaya home well before this past Christmas. At worst, we thought we might be in China to be united with her around Christmas of 2006.

I have been working on her room again, got the new closet mostly done except for doors, and when painting the inside I noticed the paint was mixed November 12, 2005. Each day that passes brings us a little closer to the day we are united, and while each day may pass quickly, the days in total pass slowly. We have the feeling of far too many seasons passing, and the anticipation becomes both more intense and more abstract, as if the whole adoption is more of an idea than a reality. We both begin to get the feeling that people wonder if we are really going through with it, or just talking big and not acting. The hardest part of building a family this way is nothing to show for it until the big day. No belly bump to watch grow, just marks on a calendar.

When we bought that paint and the still unassembled crib we were so optimistic about when our dear daughter would be in our arms, now we still have optimism but it is tempered by the knowledge that we are now a year older and our arms are still empty. We do not hold anyone to blame, the process is still working, just slower, but our time will come. It would be very easy to become bitter and angry, but it would solve nothing, and only cause more stress. We have a small but growing collection of clothes and other baby goodies waiting for her, the fruit of clearance sales and optimism.

There was a time not that many years ago when I could not even conceive of ever becoming a parent, then I met Kimberly and suddenly that possibility became a reality. This adoption did not come easily, we tried many things, then suddenly this seemed such a good fit, and the final decision became very easy. We often remark that nothing has come easy for us, it took us many years to find each other, and it seems somehow apt that this process is grinding so slowly.

We began this process 18 months ago when we began researching adoption options, and then applying to an adoption agency, then collecting all the documents and sending them to China. In that time, somewhere, a couple has met, married, and had their first child.

We're still waiting.

With no obvious end in sight.